Poetry review of Cynara’s Poem entitled Kiss You.
Hey Cynara,
Read poetry and have concluded that it is a sea of words: too much to swim in: too many currents and the undertow is a killer. One would need a big boat to navigate through these treacherous waters. The dinghy and makeshift paddles that I possess prove inadequate; so I drift, heading no where: directionless…loss. Only to hope that a savior, a wordsmith would throw in a ring of interpretation to save me…to save you.
sos
So the question remains,
What are you trying to say.
Surely kissing isn’t so complex.
Shouldn’t it be memorable,
passionate, hot, soft. Shouldn’t one feel it immediate. Shouldn’t there be an impression?
Kissing should involve moist lips, meeting of tongues, dancing, extending, saliva…intimacy
then wap! a kiss should either explode or evaporate.
However, your kiss, your poetry extended, and went on for miles. It became an arduous journey. It made my mouth heavy and tender.
I assume that this is a performance type poem. Subsequently, my opinion of such would change if I actually heard the poem. Performance poems tend to be only received well to the listening ear, but to read it, usually one must be already familiar with the poem. But even performance poems must capture the readers attention. Your lure, did not allure me at all. The stanzas ricocheted against each other. Sadly your poem did not make the impact it should have.
I searched for a rhythmic beat with the verse, however, I found none. To me it was a string of words and phrases. No complete thought. I am eager to know where you were heading. Which story were you telling. Which journey you were taking me on. I felt as if I were on one of them track roads out Adelade in an old car without shocks. I did not enjoy the ride.
Then there was the “boom da da…” a beat, a pulse…life?
However, I did not experience it. You must write simpler.
Write to be understood. There is no need to exercise your vocabulary or have an onslaughter of continuous phrases.
Express yourself clearly, convey a concise message. let the reader feel and experience the kiss.
From: chanxye@hotmail.com
To: canewry@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey Poetry for Review/editting
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008 14:31:29 -0500
Read poetry and have concluded that it is a sea of words: too much to swim in: too many currents and the undertow is a killer. One would need a big boat to navigate through these treacherous waters. The dinghy and makeshift paddles that I possess prove inadequate; so I drift, heading no where: directionless…loss. Only to hope that a savior, a wordsmith would throw in a ring of interpretation to save me…to save you.
sos
So the question remains,
What are you trying to say.
Surely kissing isn’t so complex.
Shouldn’t it be memorable,
passionate, hot, soft. Shouldn’t one feel it immediate. Shouldn’t there be an impression?
Kissing should involve moist lips, meeting of tongues, dancing, extending, saliva…intimacy
then wap! a kiss should either explode or evaporate.
However, your kiss, your poetry extended, and went on for miles. It became an arduous journey. It made my mouth heavy and tender.
I assume that this is a performance type poem. Subsequently, my opinion of such would change if I actually heard the poem. Performance poems tend to be only received well to the listening ear, but to read it, usually one must be already familiar with the poem. But even performance poems must capture the readers attention. Your lure, did not allure me at all. The stanzas ricocheted against each other. Sadly your poem did not make the impact it should have.
I searched for a rhythmic beat with the verse, however, I found none. To me it was a string of words and phrases. No complete thought. I am eager to know where you were heading. Which story were you telling. Which journey you were taking me on. I felt as if I were on one of them track roads out Adelade in an old car without shocks. I did not enjoy the ride.
Then there was the “boom da da…” a beat, a pulse…life?
However, I did not experience it. You must write simpler.
Write to be understood. There is no need to exercise your vocabulary or have an onslaughter of continuous phrases.
Express yourself clearly, convey a concise message. let the reader feel and experience the kiss.
Nassau, The Bahamas: The Capital of the World!
From: chanxye@hotmail.com
To: canewry@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey Poetry for Review/editting
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008 14:31:29 -0500
Hi Cecil,
I hope you are well.
I was wondering how all is going with you and if you ever have the time to review any of my poetry. I did another recently and tried a different style. I am attaching it. Please let me know what you think.
Kiss You by Chaile Divine copyright 2008
the rhythmic beating of my heart
loudly moving in time with the wind
flowing through my hair
crescendo sound shaking my peaceful
form reminding me how alive i truly am
boom boom
it feeds on hot honey
swirling in my soul
da da
and its sweet
this feeling
boom boom
and i linger
in ecstasy
da da
breathing you
in with my thoughts
ba boom
and my heart races
and i imagine you here
da da
closing the space between us
ba boom
leaning in
da da
i smell you
ba boom
heady bouquet of manness
and i sway intoxicated
ta boom
by you
my hands find your waist
and my fingers explore
ba boom ta da
your sensual form
tada ba boom
all man and all sexy
ta boom da da
and i linger
and long for more of you
ta da ba boom da
cause there’s something about you
with eyes that drown me in desire
lips that call me nearer
beckoning me for just a taste
ba ba ba boom da
so high now just a taste
and da da ba boom da
nose to nose
pupil to pupil
lips part and touch
ta ta boom ta ta ta ta
and i explode
in an instant
da da da boom
ba boom boom da
ta ta ba boom
Thats it.
Sincerely,
Cynara
Posted by
at
21:29:35
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great capture,beautiful composition with rich colours.